The crisp mornings filled with sunshine trick my brain into thinking it will be warm. This time in Canberra is a transition for me. Physically, the cold air on my cheeks and the intermittent drizzle on the window make me feel at home. It’s a preparation for the dark days and bitter winds that Tasmania is bound to bring. I was surprised at first that I found such welcome arms in the cold but more and more it makes sense, we seek out the familiar us humans. I spend my time making soup and listening to records, building fires and lazing around with the dog. It’s exactly where I’m meant to be right now.
Mentally this is a resting ground. With the dear hearted, intention driven Andrea by my side I churn through emotions and philosophies to set my path a little clearer for the months ahead. Andrea has forever supported me in finding strength of self, in a way that makes me feel like we are learning this life together. I am grateful for her interest in me, and her belief that I am a good person when I fail to find it in myself. I swim in the quiet, strong way that she goes about expressing herself and revel in the way she describes life.
I think a lot about the transitioning phase I find myself in. It feels awkward at times, the anxiety of the unknown turning ugly. Everyone tells me I am strong and brave but I feel like I’m blindly fumbling my way through a life turn that I didn’t expect. I’m trying to give myself some grace in the ebb and flow of emotions. Today I realised that it’s ok to still love Jonas and it’s equally ok to not want to be in that relationship anymore. I have battled so long, swords drawn with confusion for months on end, that a state of confusion now seems to be the status quo. I think the more I realise that I’m allowed to just be in this space the easier it gets. It’s ok that this transition time will be full of conflicting emotions, of course it will, but I can be me through them all. I can’t force the end resolve, it will come when it’s ready and I will weather and rise and fall through all of it. I guess there’s strength in that.